Published: March 26, 2008 06:40 pm         

Parenting doesn’t need to be a battle

I was 14 when I thought I had life figured out.

Even though I couldn’t drive, vote, shave or do anything else attributed to adults, I thought I was pretty grown up.

Unfortunately, when I tried to explain to my mom and dad that I was ready to make decisions like an adult, they didn’t believe me. Thus began my battle for autonomy. For the next four years, I waged war against my parents, trying to convince them that I had all the answers and they fought back by teaching me I had a lot left to learn.

This struggle for independence isn’t unique. A desire to break away from parents and make decisions is just part of the transition from childhood to adulthood. In fact, researchers tell us that most families experience an increase in conflict and arguments as their children enter into the teen years. One source of this conflict is that while teens desire the freedom to make decisions on their own, parents know they aren’t always capable of seeing the consequences of those choices and feel a need to protect them.

In response, some parents choose to shelter their teens. However, by severely restricting a teen’s independence, parents may be depriving them of experiences needed to develop the decision-making skills necessary for adulthood.

Other parents, aware of this risk, choose the path of least resistance by giving teens complete independence. The hoped-for result is that, through trial and error, teens will learn to make good decisions. Unfortunately, the consequences of one wrong choice about sex or drugs can affect a teen for the rest of his or her life.

A balance is found in understanding that a parent does not solely exist to give children what they want. Nor is their sole purpose to shield their child from the dangers of the world. Instead, a parent’s most important task is to prepare their children to be happy, confident, independent adults.

Here are some tips to help your teen find independence while living with boundaries:

Pick your battles. Arguing over a messy room is less important than communicating to teens how you feel about things like drugs and sex. By fighting less, you can talk more.

Monitor teens’ behavior. Know where they are, what they are doing and whom they are with. But be careful not to be too intrusive.

Offer opportunities to practice decision making. Children who are allowed to make decisions with parental support will continue to make good choices when parents aren’t present.

Listen to their feelings and opinions even if you don’t agree. Teens often try out new ideas on parents. Hearing parents’ values and opinions without judgment can help them make decisions.

Set a good example. Teens observe parents’ behavior and use it as a standard of what behaviors are acceptable. It is important then to be the kind of adult that you want your teen to become.

Provide opportunities for teens to be independent within a safe environment. Youth groups provide places where teens can socialize and have fun while responsible adults echo the values and morals of parents.

As I reflect on my teen years, I see that my parents set boundaries out of love and offered freedom out of trust. By creating this balance within your parenting style, you can protect your child in adolescence while preparing him for adulthood. As a result, parents and teens alike can celebrate the teen years as a journey of discovery and growth rather than a tumultuous period of conflict.



Mat Anderson is the staff writer and research specialist at The Bridge in Joplin, Mo. For more information visit futureparadigm.org. His column appears in The Joplin Globe.